A Bit of Frustration and a Drop of Water

I was quite a bit frustrated today: the volume in the class was beyond my tolerance level, the 'not following instruction' seemed to be the norm for the day. It was almost as if I could count in one hand how many were truly 'following instruction.' The most painful reality, however, was the amount of invalidating and demeaning comments that rolled out of the lips of children - as if it was their nature to find enjoyment in the manipulation of someone else's vulnerability.

And I was swayed from one thought into the next: "How dare?????" Haven't they been taught to listen to an adult?!? Haven't they been taught to respect and be kind?????  and then...

I remembered what I have heard from adults, from the voice that dominates our society, from government, from all sources - it seems.

Here is a quick example of an interaction that took place in class today:

Child A: 'I wish you would go back to ______ (where the child came from)! Because I don't want to see you again!

Child B: Well, you are not the only one in this class! She wants to see me again, don't you? (to child C)

Child C: Yeah! (yelling) I want to see you again, you (to child A) should have not come to school today!

OUCH!!!! but wait a minute! I have heard this before! Here is how the story went about 6 years ago. My husband (at that time), my mother (from Ecuador and monolingual Spanish speaker), my son (4 years old at that time) and I were shopping at Woodman's. My husband was speaking in Spanish with my mother who was holding my son's hand . I, thankfully, was not next to them when this happened. A stranger walked by my husband and yelled: "You should be speaking in English!!! This is America for Christ's sake! or you should go back to where you came from!" My husband was startled and taken aback and my mother had no idea why the stranger was angry. When we got home, my 4 year old son began to refuse to respond to me in Spanish (something that I have always asked of my sons to do in the hope that they will grow bilingual), a few days later, he announced to me that he will no longer speak in Spanish because this is America.

This is one of many stories that have happened to us or that have happened to someone we know or that are heard on TV.

It seems to me that when we, the adults, want a child to behave differently because we are not happy with his/her behavior, we tend to place the responsibility of such changes in two general areas: 1. The child - we truly feel that it is the child's fault and that they should know better. We, adult society, punish, shame, blame, give them medicine, take them to counseling and repeatedly ask children to change. 2. The other adults involve in the child's life: the teacher should have done something about it! the doctor should have taken care of that.  ... the parents, the grandma, the auntie, the step mom, etc.

Yet, we are not willing to look at ourselves and the environment  that WE provide for our children. We are much quicker in accepting medication to calm a child than shutting off the cell phone, the laptop, the TV to give him our undivided attention. Don't get me wrong. I am able to understand why sometimes medication may be necessary. However, to just medicate a child, to blame it on some internalized mechanism without so much a look at who we are, how we live, what we do and say, is, to me, the epitomy of hypocrasy. The word 'medicate' can easily be substituted with 'punish,' 'put in time out,' 'blamed,' etc. We are much quicker to yell at our child to stop running than we are willing to get our butts of the couch or desk, or perhaps leave work on time, to take the children to the park to play. We so easily get upset when our child uses inappropriate words, yet we are not willing to change how much we undermine and invalidate our colleagues, relatives, neighbors, and that damn idiot who just cut me off!!!!

By one in the afternoon, I began to feel overwhelmed with what seems an impossible task: one teacher standing in the middle of a group of children that cannot relate to each other attempting to teach. How is change ever going to happen when we continue to place responsibility in someone else? All the dreams I had and have of a more peaceful world seem to collapse in the mouths of a group of hurt children. The curse of Adam and Eve seems to be an inescapable reality - it is always someone else's fault! someone else's responsibility.

Truly overwhelming... all I could do is attempt to be as attentive, attuned, and responsive to the child that was sitting next to me as I would be to my own sons. All I could think was that, at the end of the day, I am fully responsible for 2 boys in this world, and that after I put them to bed tonight, I would have to face myself, my ancestors, and that which is sacred to me: Life itself, and choose who I will hold accountable for all the actions, thoughts, feelings, and interactions that I experienced throughout the day.

I make the daily choice of taking a deep look at who I am, what I do, what I think, how I feel, and how I respond. I make the daily choice of keeping myself real - no expectations put on my sons that I wouldn't put on me; no expectations put on me that are not born from my heart; no actions taken that are not based on compassion and connection; no direction followed that does not take in consideration my own humanity and the humanity of all around me.

I cannot think how far reaching the impact of my actions may or may not be -that is almost fathomless and, very often, hopeless. I choose to only worry about the drop of water that will cause the first waves... let the rest come when it may.