Letter to school administration

Fall 2007 - Ale, 5 and Sebas 3

While looking for a document, I came across this letter than I had written to the administration of my sons' school after my youngest son was pushed and kicked by two classmates. The letter, that dates back to 2008, still resonates with what I believe. In 10 years, I might have improved my writing and I may now choose a different path of action (may be). Yet my heart today aligns with my heart of 10 years ago.  Below is the letter on its entirety.

Friday, January 17, 2008

Dear Kozy Montessori,

Today after school, Alejandro told me that Sebastián had been kicked by a boy at school and pushed to the ground by Rico. He told me that Sebastián cried and that he was worried that Sebastián's hand would hurt even more. He told me that Ms. Snapp had talked to Rico. After Sebastián woke up from his nap, I asked him what had happened. He said that Jacob kicked him and that Rico pushed him to the ground and that he had cried. I asked him why they had done that and Alejandro and Sebastián explained to me that it was because some time ago, Sebastián had not shared with them his brother's yellow ball. Alejandro said that Ms. Snapp had told him (back then) to bring the ball home so that the boys won't fight. I called Ms. Keener on the phone to inquire about this incident and she told me that she had not heard anything about it. I called Ms. Snapp and she said (on voice mail) that Alejandro had told her about it in the afternoon and that she had spoken with Rico (Alejandro had only told her about Rico). Following Ms. Snapp's advice, I asked both of my sons if any adults saw this or did anything about it. They said that no adults had seen this.

These are my thoughts and reflections as a mother, a high school teacher, and a person completely committed to the education of minorities.

As a mother, I am definitely worried that there was no adult supervision on this incident (if it is indeed true that no adults witnessed this). I am worried that everything that I teach at home will be erased by the violent and inflexible type of behavior that my sons will witnessed in school. I would lie if I told you that I was not very worried at the ‘type’ of students that the school has and that somewhere in the back of my brain, still exists the dilemma of private vs. public schooling for my own children. I have to admit that I'm angered and hurt at the thought of my son being physically or verbally attacked. Safety of my children is, after all, an almost instinctive need that I have. If I don't feel like they are safe, then I am not at peace with my decision of their schooling. With all that said, I will also state that I know Sebastián. I know that he does not have a strong verbal inclination. He does. And that very often has filled me with beautiful tear jerking moments (a flower, a kiss, a back massage) and has also brought some distress and worry when I think about his future. I know that Sebastián needs more scaffolding to express what he feels and needs a hand to walk him through what happened and what were the possible options. I know that Sebastián can be selfish and, if he is tired, can be down-right stubborn. Yet, I also know that he is very susceptible to unfairness and like any other human being, he will react, physically react, to anything that is perceived as unfair.

As a teacher, I am aware of how impossible it is to fulfill all the demands of public education, given time and other resources. I know that for all the classroom management trainings, modifications, etc, I still feel horrible when there is a 'breach' in security in my classroom or with my students (not long ago, I had one of my students get so fed up with the behavior of a couple of young men that she lost it and threw every textbook at them, including tables and chairs. At that moment, and for a couple of days, I felt like the most inefficient teacher on the face of the earth). I know that as a teacher, I feel like I live in a world of contradictions between NCLB and all its standards, parent's expectations, administration's short comings and expectations, system wide flaws, theories published from the white ivory tower of academia and my reality within the walls of my classroom and the lives of my students and mine.

As an educator committed to the education of minorities, I am hunted day and night by the history that has brought us to where we are. I am hunted by drop-out rates of minorities. And my heart sinks at the reality of this education system that serves more as a filtering system than as anything else. 

To make an already long letter, short, this is what I would like you to consider. Yes, there should be adult supervision - but that is not the answer or the strategy that our children need. In my opinion, adult supervision at all times is only a band aid solution, and, like all band aid solutions, it's more a drain of resources that produces very little change.

In my dream world, we would throw out a couple of standardized tests and other cookie cutting measures of achievement that consume time and energy and in the classroom we would spend time analyzing situations. I would like Sebastian to think the answers to questions such as: Why did Rico push you down? What did he say? How was his voice? Was he angry at you? Why? How did that make you feel? Why? What could you have done? Was there a way that you could have calm him down? Was there a way you could have defended yourself?. I would like Rico and Jacob to think of questions like: What did you feel towards Sebastián? Why? How did you express your feelings? Was there any other way of expressing your feelings? How did Sebastián feel when you kicked him? Is it right for someone to feel that way? Why? Could you have told him how you feel without hurting him? I would like all the boys involved in this incident to sit down and, with a mediator, find a solution to their problem, a solution that truly comes from them. And yes, I believe that 3 year olds CAN do this. I have done it with Sebastián. And I believe this because I am completely convinced that sensitivity to another human being's dignity is not something we have to learn. Sensitivity is about all we had when we were born. We need to not loose the ability to sense the state of another.

I do not want the message of 'we do not tolerate this behavior in this school' be the only thing that is heard. I do not want the message of: 'you need to tell a teacher' be the only solution offered. Because, to be completely honest, those messages stop working before a young person reaches 10 years of age. What I wish my 15, 16 and 17 year old students have (what I want my sons to be able to do), is the ability to analyze a situation; allow themselves to feel their feelings by recognizing them, but not acting on them. Rather, be able to reframe a problem in way that the problem is not a person, but a situation. And be able to project at least a couple of different options as possible solutions. ‘Flexibility of thought’ are the only words that I can think of. What would happen if a young person is exposed to this kind of thinking (as opposed to a limited: 'we do not do that in school') from the time they are in K3? How will they react when problems arise at 13, 15, 19 years of age?

I leave my reflections in your hands. I do ask that you let me know what was decided and done about this issue so that I can talk with my sons about it at home. Lastly, I would like to let you know that I, above all, am committed to my sons. I will not have the slightest hesitation if at any point in their elementary and high school years; they would need me to quit my job for them. Please, let me know how I can help you. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Verónica Mancheno